I use the moustache as a litmus test. It's stuck to a portrait of Our Lady of Guadeloupe hanging in my bedroom, which I don't mind saying is a fine print; it was even signed by Pope John Paul III and handed down to me from my Safta. Anyway, if the viewer laughs out loud then they score a point. If there's trepidation I'm cautious about doling out affection. If someone doesn't think God has a sense of humour, what can you possibly think of them? Honestly?
I got the moustache at a party. Come to think of it, it's probably the moustache's and my 1 year anniversary this week. I got the moustache at my darling Megumi's birthday party last year, which, I believe was hosted by Death Metal Jeff. Someone handed them out at the door. I was so excited to receive the moustache, I felt like it was my birthday too!
At the time I was dating 2 boys and had successfully conned one of them, the sexy & silent construction worker into growing a real moustache for jokes. Anyway, I was going through this phase where I wanted my partner aka boyfriend to know and accept EVERYTHING about me. I wanted him to know my history - good and bad, and the risks I would likely take and to be proud of that and to revel with me in my HUGENESS. I wanted a rock star relationship and I wanted to be the rock star.
4 heartbreaks later I am realizing that wasn't the most successful strategy, and to be honest, after much reflection, it actually wasn't very nice... I wonder how I would respond to the Mack truck approach? Probably worse than the boys I pulled it on.
Back to the moustache. It made me feel powerful. I never believed in penis envy but moustache envy – now that’s envy I could buy. I felt like I had all the powers of a man and a woman, but put together. I was HUGE. I made out with pretty much every single person at that party that I had ever been mildly attracted to. Mike (local boyfriend, the one without the moustache) was not particularly impressed and I think that was probably the beginning of the end.
Let me get back on track: there were 2 things I wanted to explore with this post. First; the power of the moustache; there was magic and I'm curious about it. The second realization the moustache brought to the forefront was the desire to have a partner that - well I can't think of the right word at this point - I need to write about it to figure it out. But just to get the idea out there.... I wanted a partner who was excited about being with a multi-billion-faceted individual - a veritable rock star. I want to be loved because I am someone really bent on exploring and experimenting - and not just for the hell of it but as a diligent, disciplined and talented study of adventure.
1. MOUSTACHE MAGIC
Power of Disguise
Being Simultaneously Ugly + Beautiful
Taller + Trashy
2. TAKE ALL OF ME
Madonna & the Whore
Five years old or Fifty-five?
Contradiction as a reoccurring theme ...funny, now I'm Mack trucking all you readers
Sorry for the sound bites - that's what the GSD will do to you. How do you say it in 10 words and a drawing? Well I didn't bother with the drawing this time but I think I got an outline to draw from. Let's tackle number 1; moustache magic.
There was definitely something magical about being in disguise, I guess that's why everyone loves Halloween. The girls dress up like sluts and the boys dress up like girls. But for me, the moustache was a special kind of disguise. It was obviously still Ruth but I was equally Ruth in disguise... like when a little kid closes their eyes and then thinks that you can't see them. I remember getting ready that night, I took extra time and wore make-up. I blow dried my hair and I was wearing a v-cut tight shirt, hip-hugger jeans, high heel boots, a belt with a big old buckle - I was directing the eyes that were looking, to my breasts, my hips, my ass and to below my belly-button. And then, for la piece de resistance, I set it off with a moustache. It's coming to me now; I think it was a big'ol fuck you. I was doing everything I was supposed to do as the lesser sex to attract a man, and then I set it off with something repulsive.
Aha! Another litmus test for the moustache. But what was I testing? That which I always test about boys of course. I can be pretty and I can flit around. But that's not all of me and if that's what a boy likes about me I can't respect that. They can think that's a good quality of mine - that I can play that game but they must know that all that "creature" stuff is a game. I don't respect men who can't see past that and even thought it wasn't preconceived; the moustache is the perfect test.
Take all of me - well the nice thing about writing is that things that seemed disconnected at first can connect. This entry is all the same thing; here I am. I'm complex, funny and pretty and stupid and awkward and powerful - and you can take it or leave it. And if you take it you better keep up, I don't wait around.
No comments:
Post a Comment